Amateur Ramblings

2 years ago I said goodbye.

1 week until goodbye.

1 day to take it all in.

Why does it seem like everyone I know is saying goodbye?

It’s been over two years and there are times where I still think about her.

A lot.

After she passed, I was haunted by images of her - she never seemed to leave my dreams.

l endured 10 months of seeing her in pain, seeing her health diminish, seeing her weaken by the day.

It was too much for me.

And now, I have to go through the same thing again. I didn’t think I had to, but I did.

Another repeat.

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Censorship.
Frustration.
Annoyance.
Unfamiliarity.

I simply cannot wait for this “vacation” to be over.

Why do I say the things I do? Most of all, I don’t even understand why I said it.

I woke up at 2:00 pm today.

Still tired and exhausted.

And worried about my performance on my last final.

I sighed.

Look on the bright side — it’s a brand new day.

Stupid girl.

I met up with her and we talked about everything that had happened over the past 7 months.

Giggles all around.

I took a sip of my drink - guava and vodka.

Probably not my wisest choice since I had just woken up three hours earlier… and didn’t even have breakfast.

We talked a bit more.

Sip. Sip. Sip.

Then I told her something that I shouldn’t have. 

Stupid girl.

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Those two sets of murky blue waters darkened and it was easy for me to overlook them.

Yet after endless days of rain, I’ve finally seen that ray of sunshine emerge behind those depressing clouds.

I’m instilled with hope.

The sunshine seems to grow larger and larger, lighting everything around me.

I’m basking in your warmth right now and I hope your light doesn’t fade.

Not now.

Because when you shine, your blue eyes are all I see.

They can be a vast backdrop hiding behind the sun.

But they’re not.

They’re vivid pools of beauty that would put the powerful sun to shame. 

They instil wonder within me.

They’re my blue-eyed surprise. 

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then, one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman

Love. It’s all around us and yet it’s not. Some people are so confined in their negativity and pain, that they are blinded by their own hatred. Their emotions are caged and buried deep within a dark hole. Don’t they know that if they opened their hearts just a bit, a sliver of light might shine through?

It doesn’t have to be this way, you know. I mean love, when it’s right, it can be amazing. But what do I know? I’m only 19. 

The only love that I’ve seen so far, is from your symphonic discord. 

I know you’re hurting and I wish I could say that I understand how you feel. But I don’t. I can’t even imagine what you’ve endured these past 26 years. 

What I want to know is, why? Why did you have to preach those cynical words to me? To us? I was so young. I still am. 

I used to dream of a fairytale romance and that happily-ever-after beautifully punctuated by a close-up of a complete heart as I kissed my prince. 

I could already hear you scoffing and making some snide remark about how naive I am.

This is reality, my dear, not fantasy.

You’re so frustrating. You always stress about how you want me to be happy. Do you think I can be when I see you like this? Do you think I can be when you tell me that love is the most painful thing that you’ll every experience?

Thing? Love isn’t a thing.

You’re blindness is worsening. I know that it’s hopeless but I need to try and open your eyes. Can’t you see that you’ve completely rendered it devoid of any emotion?

Love is a matter of chance; matrimony is a matter of money, and divorce - a matter of course.

— Helen Rowland

Please just stop. I beg you. Please.

You’re already a constant reminder of how sometimes love just isn’t enough.

You’ve both become a symphony so distorted and disordered that it cannot be saved. 

And do you want to know what makes me resent you even more? The fact that you’ve made Her scared too. How could you be so heartless as to do such a thing?

I feel like I’m straddling two conflicting worlds, without ever knowing what it’s like to feel complete.

I’m on the edge of breaking down.

You’re both supposed to be my guides. The ones that I lean on for support and advice about my own love.

But you’re both so concerned about protecting yourself that you let your cynicism overpower you.

Open up your heart. Stop running. 

                                                         ***

Do you remember that day where I cried to you? He was being so unfair, he wouldn’t have any of it. And then you came into my room, to quell my sadness. But all you did was made it worst.

When you give away a part of yourself, you can never get it back. That’s the thing about love. They may say that they love you, but in the end all they’ll do is leave. You may not love him now, but it won’t take long for you to fall in love. And when that happens, there’s no turning back.

I remember looking back at you, with a fresh flood of tears blurring my vision. You thought that I was hurting over what you said to me.

No, I was hurting for you. It broke my heart hearing those words come out of your mouth, and knowing that it came from a place of bitter resentment. It broke my heart even more, knowing that you’ve become so hardened by your pain. 

Because of you, I’ve tried to tell myself that I’m better off alone, that I’m perfectly fine being independent. Just me, myself, and I.

But it’s also because of you that I’ve realized that I’m just lying to myself.

I want to fall in love. I want to fall hard. So hard that it consumes me to the point where I can’t breathe. I want to fall head over heels in love.

To know that there’s someone out there who would do anything for me.

To know that someone out there is worth falling for.

To know that someone out there is worth all this.

To know that someone out there is worth the risk that you never took.

And I know that there’s a chance that I can get hurt. But I don’t care. I guess I’d rather hurt, than feel nothing at all.

You see, that’s the difference between you and me.

Dear Tradition,

What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

What if. What if you did things differently? 

What if 26 years ago you chose someone different?

What if you followed your heart and fell for someone else?

What if you settled for someone who treated you like a princess?

What if you chose love over security?

What if? What if? What if?

We would never be here.

What if you realized your options now?

What if you chose happiness over sacrifice?

What if you looked beyond society’s screwed up conventions?

What if you knew how I feel?

What if you understood that all I want is for you to be happy?

What if you knew how I felt about you and him?

What if you came to your senses?

What if I told you this?

It was one of those rare mornings where I lay in utter comfort and tranquillity. Perfectly nestled beneath my blanket, I wanted nothing more than to stay that way for the time being. I rolled over and slowly opened my eyes. 10:32 am.

10:50 am.

The sounds of your voices seemingly turned on out of nowhere.

A tumultuous mess of anger and bitterness.

A disruption jolting me from my sweet reverie.

Echoes of that discord reverberated through my thin walls.

Confused.

You guys should know by now that I am not a morning person.

Willing myself to go back to sleep, I hoped that you guys would realize that you’re being too loud. 

Don’t do this right outside my bedroom door.

A symphony of cacophonous sounds started to reach its climax and I waited for that explosion.

Silence.

Voices fades out. 

Hmm. How ironic.

You guys seem to be so vocal in your music, why not sing them towards each other? It could be a duet, rather than a pathetic solo which you too often sing to me.

Express yourself in a ballad or an angry love song. But do it in a way that doesn’t involve me.

But do it soon.

Because before we all know it, you both might wind up turning into solo acts, leaving without a second thought from your band members.

… my apologies.

Given everything that’s happened so far, my day with S was probably something that I was in desperate need of. That’s the thing about her. Sometimes she just appears unexpectedly, but it’s one of those times where it makes me realize that I really do need to talk to someone… anyone.

The entire time that we were talking over dinner, I suddenly felt vulnerable and sensitive. It seemingly came out of nowhere and snuck up on me. I was confused and I couldn’t understand why.

All of a sudden my mind started to wander. 

Focus I told myself. What was happening? Why am I so distracted all of a sudden? And why do I suddenly feel like I’m on the verge of tears?

I forced myself to block these thoughts out of my head, as I listened more intently to S. It wasn’t until she spoke about some personal drama in her life, that I finally realized how it was similar to what I was going through.

Needless to say, I was avoiding my own feelings at the moment. It’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past week.

I feel so hopeless and pathetic for reacting so strongly towards something like that.

I never realized how much it was bothering me until S vented about something rather similar. 

I’ve been trying so hard this whole time to act and pretend like it’s not bothering me. And it did work to a certain extent, but it wasn’t until tonight where I realized… I’m actually not fine.

I’m upset. I’m frustrated. I’m confused. I’m annoyed.

And I’m even more upset that I’m letting him get to me.

It’s so ridiculous and silly - I mean, me, V, I’m bothered over him.

I just feel like this “thing” - whatever it is - that has happened so far is just so conflicting and paradoxical:

On the one hand, nothing has really happened in order for me to get upset over. But at the same time, I’m just lying to myself by putting it that way. Because clearly, something has happened. Otherwise, why would I be upset?

I like him. He might possibly like me back. It’s not complicated. It doesn’t have to be complicated. And yet it is.

He’s acting aloof and yet he isn’t.

But mostly, things don’t have to be complicated sometimes. Because it isn’t. People just make things complicated.

On another note, I feel like I’m going insane trying to rationalize everything that I feel and everything that he does.

Okay so he’s shy. There’s nothing wrong with that - he can’t help who he is or the way that he is. But at the same time, I feel like I’m condemning him over this quality: Why doesn’t he just wise up and do something about it?! Ask me out, I will say yes!

Yeah but it’s not exactly easy. I mean, it’s not like he knows.

But how could you not?!

Or maybe he does. And he’s just confused or terrified. I don’t know!

Coming from me, it’s plainly obvious that I like him. But it’s different from the outside looking in. That is, to him at least. 

… maybe I’m sexist. It’s easy for me to lay all this on him — He has to do it. Why doesn’t he just ask me out? 

Well why don’t I do it? Why do I have to wait for him to make the move?

Call me traditional, lame, or sexist… but… I want to be chased. I want a guy to ask me out. Because it just shows that he likes me enough to have the audacity to it.

Goodness gracious, what has my life become? What have I become? I’m going out of my mind right now, over something that might not even happen.